Reminiscences
by wintaer
Summary: Byakuya looks back through some old memories. ByaRen. One-shot


_**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach, merely play with the characters._

Reminiscences

I don't know when I first started having these feelings for you.

The first time I had ever truly seen you as more than just my lieutenant was when you fought me in an attempt to save Rukia. Your determination had been evident, had been very obviously reflected in your giant bankai, but I suppose what really surprised me was your passion and energy. Even after being short of diced up by my bankai, you had been able to stand up and charge at me. Even in that state, with blood pouring out of you, your fangs had been able to reach me. What was it that you had said? That you had swore to your soul? It was… eye-opening.

Perhaps these feelings first started creeping their way towards my unbeating heart when I was stuck in the fourth division, recovering from the injuries that the Kurosaki brat and Ichimaru had gifted me with. Do you remember? You would sit by my bedside day after day, telling me stories from your childhood, stories that always included Rukia. It didn't matter that the two of us had tried to kill each other only days before, or that I had almost let my sister and your best friend die due to my sense of duty. I had lost all rights to even hearing about Rukia when I failed to protect her as an older brother, but that didn't stop you. In your rough way, you showed me that everything was in the past, that you had forgiven me, that Rukia had forgiven me, that I should forgive myself and be the brother that I never was. You showed me that I still had time to learn about her and see her as my own sister instead of just Hisana's.

I think you wormed your way past my emotional barrier when you accompanied me back to the Kuchiki mansion after Captain Unohana finally agreed to release me from her clutches and had the tact to allow me the dignity of walking in the front, instead of helping me along like an infirm old man. You had opened the door to this room for me, had waited for me to settle in front of the shrine before quietly asking if you might talk a walk in my gardens. You had always been easy to read and I knew that you were just giving me the privacy I wanted while I talked to Hisana. You had retreated out to the sakura trees, far enough so that you could not hear what I was saying, but close enough to be able to reach me quickly should anything happen. I think I took strength from your presence that night. Apologizing to Rukia had been hard, but apologizing to Hisana had been even harder. After all, I had been ready to break my promise to her all for the sake of a promise made to keep to my duties. I probably spent over an hour talking to Hisana, I'm sure you must have been bored, but when I stood up too quickly and found myself dangerously light-headed, you had already flashed forward and gently caught me around the shoulders, saving me from the indignity of falling face-first onto the floor.

It was probably during one of our training sessions that… how do they say it again? Broke the camel's back, or in this case, cracked open the Kuchiki's heart. Maybe it was the proud smile that had made its way across your face when you successfully managed to weave your bankai in and out of the blasts of kidou I had been shooting at you, or maybe the exhilarated little dance that you did when you found out about Zabimaru's bone cannon skill after a long day of training. Up to this day, I still don't know where you found the energy for that, even I had been exhausted by the end of that session.

Well, whenever it was, you somehow managed to make me fall in love with you.

After Hisana died, I had promised myself that I would never love another woman. I suppose I kept that promise, but imagine my surprise when I realized that I had managed to keep that promise because I wasn't in love with a woman, but rather a man. Unconventional, but you're not a conventional person are you?

Did you know that back then, my breath would catch in my throat whenever you flashed a grin my way? That it took me so long to do the paperwork because my eyes were far more interested in tracing their way across your tattoos than focusing on the work in front of me? That my dreams of Hisana were slowly being replaced by dreams of you? It took me a while, but I was so utterly horrified when it finally dawned on me why I was acting that way around you, when I finally figured out that I was _attracted_ to you.

I had rushed back home, my first intention was to go visit Hisana, but then guilt crashed down on me and made me stay away from the shrine. After all, I had pledged to love her forever, had pledged my heart to her, had pledged to be hers forever. How could I possibly face her again? Calligraphy hadn't helped calm my mind at all, I couldn't concentrate and no matter how hard I tried to find the balance, all my words came out looking like a child's scrawl.

Somehow, I managed to gather up the courage to visit Hisana's shrine. I must have sat in front of it for an hour, centering myself, before I was able to look at her picture, fearing that her gentle expression would have been replaced with one of disdain. I stayed in front of Hisana and wondered why those feelings I thought had died with her were resurfacing and focusing themselves on my lieutenant. I felt ashamed and confused. Ashamed because it felt like I was betraying my wife. Confused because I didn't understand why I was attracted to you. Ashamed because this wasn't how I was supposed to behave. Confused because I had never felt like this about another man before.

Shame and confusion made me avoid you. I changed my schedule so that the two of us were never in the office at the same time, put you in charge of all the squad practice and did paperwork like a madman. When you approached me that one time, asking when we would have our next training session, I refused to look at you and instead brushed you off, coolly saying that my time was too valuable to be wasted on such trivial things. I remember glancing up at you and catching sight of the hurt on your face, a sight that had almost been too much for my whirling emotions. But masking and suppressing all my emotions was my forte.

After all, I am Kuchiki Byakuya, head of the noble Kuchiki clan.

Of course, I had not incorporated Rukia's sharp intuition and your fiery brashness when I made my plan of avoidance, which is probably why I was so surprised when you stormed into the office that day and yanked me out of me seat. Never would I have thought that I would lose control that easily, but the second your mouth crashed down on mine, my mind was wiped blank of anything aside from the feeling of your body pressed against mine. I will be forever thankful that nobody walked into our office that afternoon.

I visited Hisana that night and told her that I thought I had buried my heart with her, but found out that it was just frozen in my chest. You had somehow managed to free it with your warmth and it started beating again. I told her that while I still loved her and would love her for the rest of my days, I had also started to fall for you. I think she understood and gave me her blessing.

I told her how scared I was, I don't think you ever realized exactly how scared I was at the beginning of our relationship. I was opening my heart up to someone for the second time, giving myself to you. I didn't know if it would last, didn't know if it was going to have a short bloom like the sakura blossoms or if we would see many sakura blossom during our time. I was scared, scared of investing myself in someone else for a second time. After all, the first time had a sad ending, would I be able to survive it if I gave my heart away for a second time?

Despite my fears, I couldn't help but fall in love with you. Your roughness balanced against my cultured upbringing. Your passion balanced against my control. Your red against my black. Your wildness against my reserve. Your monkey to my moon, so far apart, yet somehow we managed to be. Your fangs reached me, and I fell. You made me happy, taught me how to be free, how to enjoy life. You brought laughter back into my life.

But it seems that happiness was not destined to be part of my life…

For you're not with me, and I'm in this room alone, looking at the pictures of the two I loved because that is all I have left of them.

* * *

_**A/N:** First time writing this pairing seriously, but I do love ByaRen so I'm still not quite sure how it ended up turning out this angsty. Also don't know if I kept Byakuya in character... I hadn't planned on it being in first person Byakuya narrative, but then I shifted over from third person and the words just flowed out so much easier. _

_Anyways, tell me what you guys think!_


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